What is Love? Loving with No "Buts"

What is love?  A question to ponder, especially at this time of year, as the celebration of my Savior's birth (and hopefully your Savior too) comes nearer. 

I've been reading 1 Corinthians 13 and in some notes in one of my Bibles it points out that Paul uses the Greek word agape in the description of love found in this chapter of the Bible. 

Agape love is unconditional love.  A love that is given regardless of the worthiness of the one to whom the love is being given to.  It is the kind of love that God shows us.  It is the kind of love which is given because of a conscious choice made by the giver. 

Some would say that only God can love like this.  But I believe that we, as humans, can too...but not on our own.  We can only love like this with the help of the Holy Spirit living inside of us.  And He helps us when we abide in Him.  How do we abide in Him?  I, personally, like what Psalm 119:9-16 (NIV, 1984) says:

9 How can a young man keep his way pure?
   By living according to your word.
10 I seek you with all my heart;
   do not let me stray from your commands.
11 I have hidden your word in my heart
   that I might not sin against you.
12 Praise be to you, O LORD;
   teach me your decrees.
13 With my lips I recount
   all the laws that come from your mouth.
14 I rejoice in following your statutes
   as one rejoices in great riches.
15 I meditate on your precepts
   and consider your ways.
16 I delight in your decrees;
   I will not neglect your word.

In my thinking on this topic, I had the following thought:

I want to love my husband and children...without any "buts."

A few things before I move on.  First, it might seem obvious that I want this.  Second, you might ask, what about everyone else?

To answer the second one first, it is much easier to love those you do not live with without any "buts" than those you do live with.  Especially when homeschooling means you are living with the latter ones 24/7.  I see them at their best...their worst...and everything in between.  And the reverse is true too (them seeing me!).

In response to the first, I have been noticing that I don't always emanate that type of love.  I may be heard saying something like, I love you, BUT when you (disobey, move slowly, scream, etc) it (saddens, frustrates, hurts) me.  While the latter are certainly true, and don't say outright that I don't love my child when he does those things, they do imply a conditional love when I add the "but."

When my daughter was little, a very good friend gave her a book called, "I Love You Because You're You" by Liza Baker.  It's a simple board book with pictures of a Mommy fox and Child fox.  Here are a few of the situations where the Mommy fox declares her love to her child:

I love you when you're sick and need to rest in bed.

I love you when you're frisky and standing on your head.

I love you when you're sad and need a kiss and hug.

I love you when you're playful and rolling on the rug.

(The picture in this one is great because the mom is in her rocking chair knitting and the child is on the floor at her feet all rolled up in yarn from the bottom of whatever she is knitting!  Let's just say the mom's expression has no smile while the child's is huge!)

I love you when you're angry and cross your arms and pout.

I love you when you're wild and yell and scream and shout.

(In the former the mom is putting toothpaste on the child's toothbrush while the child is crossing his arms and pouting.  In the latter the child is walking past the mom and a cat shouting while the mom covers her ears and the cat's hair is standing on end!)

Over the years, I have pulled it out and read it after breakfast to my two blessings.  Sometimes for weeks at a time!  Why did I read it to them?  It was as much, if not more so, to remind me to love them unconditionally, as it was to remind them that I love them, no matter what they do.

So then, where does that leave me?  I am, after all, only human.  Right?  The picture book is nice, but I do not always feel very loving to my children when they are yelling, "I hate you!" or "You're being mean!"  (Or when I have a headache and my son is screaming and shouting around the house...just for fun!)  No matter how hard I try, I fall down and end up yelling back (unfortunately).  But I don't want to do that anymore.  I want to love like Jesus loved.  I want to learn from Him.  

That's where 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 comes in.  As I mentioned earlier, I've been reading it lately and asking God to help me love like that.  I want my children to see a loving God through me.  Not One who is waiting for them to make mistakes.  Or always pointing out their mistakes.  Or saying, "I love you, but you've got a long way to go in this part of your life over here."  

Our Father in heaven KNOWS we have a long way to go, BUT He doesn't go around reminding us of it.  And when we are reminded, He wants to deal with us gently and lovingly.  Agape love.  He knows that when our hearts are turned to His, we won't need Him to say, "I told you so," because He knows we'll be hard enough on ourselves!  At least it seems to be that way with me.  I need to remember this as I parent my own children.  Lecture less, love more.  Or put another way, less is more (especially with my words sometimes!).

So, I'd like to share the Amplified translation of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

   ⁴  Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

    ⁵  It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

    ⁶  It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

    ⁷  Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

So far, these two thoughts have swirled around in my mind as I try to remember how to love when a situation gets "sticky."

Love does NOT take offense easily.

Love makes allowances.

Three passages support these statements (I'm sure there are more, these are simply the ones I have thought of now),  1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Ephesians 4:1-2, and James 1:19-20.  The first is above, and rather obvious, and the second two are ones I have been memorizing and meditating on with the Siesta Scripture Memory Team with Beth Moore and Living Proof Ministries.

I also thought of Proverbs 19:11 which says, "A man's wisdom gives him patience, it is to his glory to overlook an offense."  I referenced this verse in a previous post on wisdom. The more I think about love, though, the more I realize that this verse is also speaking to how we LOVE those around us.  Even when they offend us.

As I sat in the pew singing during the worship service on Sunday, the line of a well known Christmas Hymn struck me in it's simple, yet powerful message:

"Fit us for heaven to live with thee there."

Yes, it's from Away in the Manger.  And it's a good ending to this post on love.  

Lord, help us to love our husbands and children with no "buts," that You might, indeed, "fit us for heaven to live with thee there."

Thoughts on A Day of Rest and Law vs. Grace

I am in an email group with a few other women and we have been reading the book of Nehemiah this summer.  Today's reading was Nehemiah 13:15-18.  Several in the group had already commented on our current view of having Sunday be a weekly day of rest.  I was a few paragraphs into my email regarding my thoughts on this topic when I realized I was also typing another post to this blog.  What follows is what ended up "pouring out" as I continued to type.


¹⁵ In those days I saw men in Judah treading winepresses on the Sabbath and bringing in grain and loading it on donkeys, together with wine, grapes, figs and all other kinds of loads. And they were bringing all this into Jerusalem on the Sabbath. Therefore I warned them against selling food on that day. ¹⁶ Men from Tyre who lived in Jerusalem were bringing in fish and all kinds of merchandise and selling them in Jerusalem on the Sabbath to the people of Judah. ¹⁷ I rebuked the nobles of Judah and said to them, “What is this wicked thing you are doing—desecrating the Sabbath day? ¹⁸ Didn’t your forefathers do the same things, so that our God brought all this calamity upon us and upon this city? Now you are stirring up more wrath against Israel by desecrating the Sabbath.”  
Nehemiah 13:15-18, NIV (1984), emphasis added


One of the cities I lived in while growing up had "blue laws."  I'm not sure where the term came from, as I've never looked it up, but everything was closed on Sunday.  My mom spoke of "window shopping" as a Sunday afternoon outing with her family as all the stores were closed.

Here are my thoughts on a day of rest, along with where I got some of those ideas.

I read a book several years ago called, "Breathe:  Creating Space for God in a Hectic Life."  I still remember many of the things I learned/took from that book.  The author points out that the Sabbath is a gift from the Lord.  It is not to be a burden to us (that would be the legalism one woman spoke of), but rather a gift.  (Remember that Jesus said to come to Him all who were weary as His yoke was easy and His burden light, Matthew 11:28-30.)

I also read a book, at about the same time, called "Parenting in the Pew."  It's name would imply that it's all about children sitting in church while you parent them, but it's oh so much more than that!  It really made me think of why we go to church and what it means to worship the Lord.  She (the author) said something which still resonates with me:  "Sunday morning begins Saturday night."

Another book, "Sitting at the Feet of Rabbi Jesus," helped me think of what it meant for the Israelites (and practicing Jews today) to rest on the Sabbath.  It meant that they have to prepare ahead of time in order to get that rest!  That may seem like a "duh" statement, but it's not something we commonly find today.  (It was at this point in my email that I realized I would be making another post to this blog.  Two in one week, wow!)

For example, while we were on vacation, we visited some old friends.  Unsurprisingly, most asked where we had been on our vacation.  As we told one couple, the wife asked if I had made reservations at all of our "stops."  I replied in the affirmative.  She remarked on the forethought (for lack of a better way to put it) in doing that for a vacation.  She continued by saying that she decided where they were going to be going about 2 weeks before they left!

Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't believe that God means for us to do that when it comes to some things.  He set the Sabbath as a day of rest after the Israelites were released from slavery in Egypt.  Imagine, they went from never having any rest, to being commanded to rest one day a week.  In addition to that, they were given mandatory festivals to worship Him where no work was to be done either. 

They were also told that they were to have a Sabbath year of rest every seven years!  Do you think they looked upon that as a burden?  No!  They looked at it as a gift from God!  These "rest times" were unchanging.  They didn't "sneak up" on you, you knew they were coming and had to plan for them!  Looking back to the time after Jesus' death on the cross, you will see how accustomed the people were to this type of preparation.

John 19:31, emphasis and notes added
Now it was the day of Preparation, This would be the day before Passover. and the next day was to be a special Sabbath. That would have been the Passover. Because the Jews did not want the bodies left on the crosses during the Sabbath, they asked Pilate to have the legs broken and the bodies taken down.

John 19:40-41, emphasis and notes added
⁴⁰ Taking Jesus’ body, the two of them wrapped it, with the spices, in strips of linen. This was in accordance with Jewish burial customs. ⁴¹ At the place where Jesus was crucified, there was a garden, and in the garden a new tomb, in which no one had ever been laid. ⁴² Because it was the Jewish day of Preparation Again, this would have been the day before the Passover. and since the tomb was nearby, they laid Jesus there.

Luke 23:55-56, emphasis and comments added
⁵⁵ The women who had come with Jesus from Galilee followed Joseph and saw the tomb and how his body was laid in it. ⁵⁶ Then they went home and prepared spices and perfumes. They prepared for burying Jesus properly before the Sabbath (that would have been the Passover) began.   But they rested on the Sabbath in obedience to the commandment.

Luke 24:1, emphasis and comments added
 ¹ On the first day of the week, This would be Sunday.  very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb.

Now, I don't know if you noticed, but in John 19:31 we are told it is a special Sabbath.  That would seem to indicate it was not the 7th day of the week, but rather the Passover.  On that year, the Passover must have fallen on Friday, which means Jesus was crucified on Thursday, the Preparation Day, as opposed to Good Friday, which is what I always believed.  (I first read about this difference in the Daily Bible, which is a chronological Bible divided up to be read in one year.  It has a lot of good "summary" information in it as well, which helped me to understand the History a lot better.) 

The women went on the first day of the week, Sunday, to the tomb.  That means they had to make sure things were all in order in their homes to have 2 days of rest.  And in Luke 23:56 we read why they rested on the Sabbath, to obey the commandment.  They had to prepare!

Now, I can not tell you that I am always as prepared as these ladies were.  I read both Breathe and Parenting in the Pew 4 years ago, in 2007.  While I am not always as prepared as I would like to be, I do have a different thought on what I want Sunday to be like in our home.  We try our best to make it a day of rest.  However, it is not always easy.  It is something I need to stay in tune to each week.  I need to prepare ahead of time so that it can be a day of rest.  I have to be on guard, watching for ways I might be tempted to say, "just this once."

One of the main ways I rest is to do no "regular" work.  Laundry is an example of that.  Does this mean I never do laundry on Sunday?  I can say I do no regular laundry.  However, if sheets or clothing get "soiled," I will wash them on Sunday.  I do not want to be legalistic about it, and there is a passage which comes to mind on days when I need to do such things.  It reminds me to steer away from legalism and get to the heart of the matter.  Here it is.

Matthew 12:1-13, emphasis added
¹ At that time Jesus went through the grainfields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry and began to pick some heads of grain and eat them. ² When the Pharisees saw this, they said to him, “Look! Your disciples are doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath.”

 ³ He answered, “Haven’t you read what David did when he and his companions were hungry? ⁴ He entered the house of God, and he and his companions ate the consecrated bread—which was not lawful for them to do, but only for the priests. ⁵ Or haven’t you read in the Law that on the Sabbath the priests in the temple desecrate the day and yet are innocent? ⁶ I tell you that one greater than the temple is here. ⁷ If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the innocent. ⁸ For the Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath.”

 ⁹ Going on from that place, he went into their synagogue, ¹⁰ and a man with a shriveled hand was there. Looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, they asked him, “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?”

 ¹¹ He said to them, “If any of you has a sheep and it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will you not take hold of it and lift it out? ¹² How much more valuable is a man than a sheep! Therefore it is lawful to do good on the Sabbath.”

 ¹³ Then he said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” So he stretched it out and it was completely restored, just as sound as the other. ¹⁴ But the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus.

The Pharisees were "looking for a way to accuse Jesus" (v 10).  They were using the laws to judge, which is not what He intended them for.  To me, legalism is when obedience becomes more about following the rules than the condition of the heart.  Does that mean we do not have to obey God's commands?  Certainly not!  I will close with some passages in Romans where Paul speaks to the tension between the Law and Grace.  (For some excellent teaching concerning these and other parts of Romans I suggest reading "The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Nee.  It speaks in a most excellent way on living a Spirit filled life, which is what should be a normal Christian life.)

Romans 6:1-2  (see Romans 5 for more clarity)
¹ What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? ² By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

Romans 6:15-16
 ¹⁵ What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! ¹⁶ Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?

Romans 7:6-8
⁶ But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code. ⁷ What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, “Do not covet.” ⁸ But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead.

To sum it up, the deeper my faith goes, the more I find myself in Paul's dilemma found in Romans 7:21-25.  I, like Paul, must remember that it is Jesus alone who rescues me from this catch 22.
 ²¹ So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!  (emphasis added)

If you read this whole post, I hope you found it encouraging in some way, or at least enlightening and thought provoking. I'm sure the small email group I'm in are not the only ones who come to questions regarding this point in our faith, especially if we are growing in Christ, growing being the key word.  Growth means change.  If you have any other thoughts or resources on this topic, please share your comments with us!

Thanks to the others in my email group for "getting me started!"

Spiritual Warfare, a Dirty Diaper and Encouragement for Those Starting Out

Recently a friend was recounting an incident which occurred during her morning devotional with her children.  They were almost finished when one of the children commented that a younger sibling needed a diaper change.  The older child was told that the diaper would be changed as soon as they were finished, which would be in just a few minutes.  However, there was a stink in the air which was making it difficult to actually finish in those said "few minutes."  Another family member who was a bit older made a short remark, "Spiritual Warfare."  (At least that's the main point I got, the details may be slightly different.)

Raise your hand if you've been there (mine is waving frantically in the air with yours).  Maybe you were in the middle of something else, like a phone call, shower, or nap.  And maybe it wasn't the stink of a dirty diaper but messy hands, a sudden urge to use the bathroom, or a sudden whop from one child to another out of the blue.  Whatever the case, our children seem to often be a weapon Satan uses to break us down and tear us from our Lord and Savior's promises.

As I was showering this morning, I was thinking about my friend's story.  We laughed at it, but there was a truth in there that I needed to hear.  My children, while oftentimes wonderfully sweet, obedient and helpful, are susceptible to the same traps Satan lays out for us.  Only they are still infants in the faith, so they do not have nearly the experience and wisdom to side step those traps that we (hopefully do).  They may, in fact, not even see the traps yet! 

To continue following my "rabbit tracks" (as I termed them to my husband this morning), I thought of several people I know who are starting down the homeschool journey for the first time this year.  I look at some of them and think, wow, she will have an easy time because her children ... <fill in the blank>.  But then I think about my friend's story again.  Satan does not like it when we take control of the education of our children.  He has a more difficult time "getting to them," in my opinion.

So what happens?  He simply uses the fact that "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child" (Proverbs 22:15, NKJV).  What does that translate to?  You and your child will likely come to some impasses as you embark on this journey.

They still have a lot of growing to do.  For that matter, so do I.  As I was typing a few paragraphs back, the thought of babies and milk came to mind.  I looked up the word "milk" on biblegateway and the following passage resonated with me:

¹ Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. ² Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, ³ now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. (taken from biblegateway.com, emphasis mine) 1 Peter 2:1-3 (NIV, 1984)

Hopefully, we have tasted that the Lord is good and are, therefore, more readily obedient to Him.  Our children, though, have yet to "grow up" in their salvation.  They are still in need of much training and guidance, no matter how "good" they can be.  And because of that, they will have breakdowns, meltdowns, and ups and downs.  (Think impasses.)

As I thought of this, I thought of how often and easily we throw in the towel when these "downs" occur.  We might even think that this is not what the Lord wants for our family, going back to the reasons we hesitated to dive in to this homeschooling "thing."

• I won't have the patience;
• I don't know how to teach <insert subject>;
• I deserve time for myself;
• My children just learn from others better than they do myself;
• I'm not organized;
• I don't know where to start;
• My children will be isolated;
• I just can't do it;
• unfortunately the list goes on...and on...and on...

You see, we are not immune to the traps set for us either.  But thankfully, our God is so much bigger than those traps.  And He will provide what we need, when we need it, day after day, week after week, year after year, and even moment after moment.  So don't give up when those impasses or road blocks rear their ugly heads!  Think "spiritual warfare" and seek the One Who has already declared victory!

The first thing we need to do is stay in touch with the Lord.  For me, it's staying in His Word daily.  Hiding His Word in my heart (memorizing it) is also helpful to me and so is praying His Word.  We need a constant dose of His Promises so that we don't fall for the lies all around us.

The next thing we need to do is find some "horizontal" supports, in the form of like minded people.  Awhile back (several years), I prayed the following prayer for at least 6 months:
"Father, please bring strong believers into my life so that we may be mutually encouraged by one another's faith. (Romans 1:12)"  Praying God's Word, by Beth Moore, emphasis mine

For a long time I really meant, "bring strong believers into my life so that I may be encouraged by their faith."  But one day (months after I prayed it daily), I noticed the "mutually" that was in there.  Apparently, my faith might just be used to encourage someone else.  Honestly, I kind of found that truth amazing and a little unbelievable.  After all, what did I have to offer someone who's faith was so much more long lived than my own?  I, obviously, did not consider myself a "strong" believer at that point (okay, sometimes I still find it hard to fathom).  But maybe God knew something I didn't.

As you start your own homeschool journey, I hope that you'll pray for God to surround you with those who will lift you up and encourage you to continue on the path He has laid before you.  There will be days that you'll need that encouragement, and who knows, there may be days someone else will need YOUR encouragement!  I'm praying for those I know to be surrounded by strong believers.

 ¹¹ These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. ¹² So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! ¹³ No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:11-13, NIV (1984)

Look for a way out...not of homeschooling (Satan provides plenty of those)...but of giving in to the temptation to give up (the Lord will help you there).