What is Love?...part 2...Loving the Husband with no "buts"

This might just be a new record...two posts in two consecutive days!  There is a reason for that!  Yesterday when my husband got home from work, I told him that I had made a post (spontaneously) to my blog.  I then asked him, ever so nicely, if he would read through it and tell me what he thought.  

You see, while I have lots and lots (and lots and lots) of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head, seeing them on paper (or a screen) and then allowing others to actually read them is something entirely different than sharing them over the phone with a friend or before going to bed with my husband.  So, I like to have someone I know (and who knows me) read through it and provide feedback.


Anyway, moving on to the point of this record breaking post.  After he finished reading it, he sounded a little disappointed as he remarked that I only talked about our children.  Of course my first response was, oh no, I had done something "wrong."  He said that wasn't the case.  He did say that he had been "looking forward" to reading what I had to say regarding husbands.  After only a little more badgering of him, by me, to make sure that his feelings weren't hurt, I began to think of what I would say...about husbands.


My first comment to my own husband was that I didn't often use the word "but" when telling him "I love you."  At least not with my words.  I told him that our "buts" (because honestly, we both add them) have more to do with our thoughts and attitudes toward each other and are often communicated much more subtly.


Here is an example from my own life and marriage.  Before continuing, I have the confidence to share this because Jesus has been teaching and showing me that WE ARE ALL THE SAME AT OUR CORE.  And, therefore, those who know me will not think less of me because they likely have found themselves thinking something similar!  At least I'm praying that is so! : )

Well, it all goes back to Proverbs 19:11 again (NIV, 1984).  Here it is, to refresh our memories...

A man’s wisdom gives him patience;
   it is to his glory to overlook an offense.

It also involves 1 Corinthians 13:5 (Amplified)

It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

Or in the NIV, 1984 translation:

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Imagine, you've had a hard day and the children, well let's just say you've been a referee more times than you'd like to remember.  There are 2 loads of laundry piled on your couch or maybe your bed, you have not gotten dinner started yet, and your husband should be home in less than 10 minutes.  

As he walks in the door, he mentions that he has a meeting he forgot about and will not be having dinner with you.  He apologizes, but says he'll be home by 8 pm.  He spends some time with the children, and then out the door he goes.

You fix a quick dinner.  Hot dogs aren't that bad for you, right?  A few carrot sticks to add a vegetable and dinner is served.  As you eat dinner, each of your children ask you when Daddy will be home at least a handful of times.  Clean up is quick.  You tell the children that if they put their jammy's on quick you'll play a game with them before bed.  

(See in my mind I'm thinking, okay, if I get them into bed by 7:30, then I get a half hour to myself before my husband gets home.  Because the Lord knows that I have not had a half hour to myself all day long.)

So, the children are off to bed.  It's 7:30, just like you planned, and you sit down to have some quiet time.  Perhaps to send an email.  Perhaps to call a sister or friend.  Perhaps to read your devotional because you never had time to read it since your children were up before you were and every time you sat down for quiet time something erupted in another room.  Whew, that was a long breath!

You're looking forward to those 30 minutes to unwind before your husband gets home.  You begin to get involved in whatever you have chosen to do and hear the garage door go up.  A quick look at the clock let's you know that it's only 7:45 pm.  What happens next?

(You would think that I'd be happy, right?  I mean, you haven't seen him all day and now he's home earlier than he told you.  But no.  Something inside is grumpy.  He's encroaching on my time.  Here I've finally sat down, and now I'm losing time to do what I want to do.)

He comes in and you are less than friendly.  He wonders what is wrong.  How do you tell him that you would have been much happier to see him...if he had gotten home at 8:00 like he had said?  How do you tell him it's the first quiet moment you've had all day?  How do you tell him you love him...but wish he wasn't home yet? 

I'd like to say that this type of thing is way in my past.  I can say that I'm recognizing it more often and stopping my "unfriendliness" before it leads to a misunderstanding.  My husband knows me.  He wants what is best for me.  He knows that our warrior likes to talk.   A lot.  He also knows that this constant chatter wears on me, intrudes on my thinking time, and can lead to a very grumpy wife if I go too long without some quiet and solitude.  (Our summer vacation in 2010 showed him that.  Our princess seems to have a similar "quiet thinking" personality.)

When I behave in that way, I am holding him responsible for something he has no control over.  I am keeping a "record of wrong" which has been allowed to grow and blossom in my mind and is completely unfounded!  (Sometimes, I even start "comparing" him to other husbands, real and fictional, who seem to always do the "right" thing.)  I need to remember 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV, 1984) when this happens:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Here is the TRUTH I need to remember:  My husband is a godly man.  He is seeking to live more like Christ each day.  He is learning how to love me as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25).

So, what do I do?  I remember that he is on my side.  If I explain to him, perhaps ahead of time, that it's been a really long day, and I've not gotten much quiet or time to myself, he will help me find a solution.  I know he will.  Because as the years have gone by, I realize that he has a LOT of good ideas.  And a lot of times, he can help me see the forest from the trees.  

However, I need to do a few things.  I need to actually SEEK HIS ADVICE and then LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY...without interrupting.  (I also need to clearly articulate the problem at hand, but that is another post.) That means I have to lay down my pride in "knowing" how to do everything around our home.  It also means that I need to keep my mouth closed and listen, without formulating a "rebuttal" in my head as he speaks. 

To close, I would like to say that I can not do these things on my own.  Often I find myself praying...

Lord, help me to really listen to what my husband is saying.  Let me have an open mind and really hear his perspective.  Jesus, please give my husband wisdom and guidance in leading our family.  And help me to stay under his authority, because you have placed him over me for my protection.

What is Love? Loving with No "Buts"

What is love?  A question to ponder, especially at this time of year, as the celebration of my Savior's birth (and hopefully your Savior too) comes nearer. 

I've been reading 1 Corinthians 13 and in some notes in one of my Bibles it points out that Paul uses the Greek word agape in the description of love found in this chapter of the Bible. 

Agape love is unconditional love.  A love that is given regardless of the worthiness of the one to whom the love is being given to.  It is the kind of love that God shows us.  It is the kind of love which is given because of a conscious choice made by the giver. 

Some would say that only God can love like this.  But I believe that we, as humans, can too...but not on our own.  We can only love like this with the help of the Holy Spirit living inside of us.  And He helps us when we abide in Him.  How do we abide in Him?  I, personally, like what Psalm 119:9-16 (NIV, 1984) says:

9 How can a young man keep his way pure?
   By living according to your word.
10 I seek you with all my heart;
   do not let me stray from your commands.
11 I have hidden your word in my heart
   that I might not sin against you.
12 Praise be to you, O LORD;
   teach me your decrees.
13 With my lips I recount
   all the laws that come from your mouth.
14 I rejoice in following your statutes
   as one rejoices in great riches.
15 I meditate on your precepts
   and consider your ways.
16 I delight in your decrees;
   I will not neglect your word.

In my thinking on this topic, I had the following thought:

I want to love my husband and children...without any "buts."

A few things before I move on.  First, it might seem obvious that I want this.  Second, you might ask, what about everyone else?

To answer the second one first, it is much easier to love those you do not live with without any "buts" than those you do live with.  Especially when homeschooling means you are living with the latter ones 24/7.  I see them at their best...their worst...and everything in between.  And the reverse is true too (them seeing me!).

In response to the first, I have been noticing that I don't always emanate that type of love.  I may be heard saying something like, I love you, BUT when you (disobey, move slowly, scream, etc) it (saddens, frustrates, hurts) me.  While the latter are certainly true, and don't say outright that I don't love my child when he does those things, they do imply a conditional love when I add the "but."

When my daughter was little, a very good friend gave her a book called, "I Love You Because You're You" by Liza Baker.  It's a simple board book with pictures of a Mommy fox and Child fox.  Here are a few of the situations where the Mommy fox declares her love to her child:

I love you when you're sick and need to rest in bed.

I love you when you're frisky and standing on your head.

I love you when you're sad and need a kiss and hug.

I love you when you're playful and rolling on the rug.

(The picture in this one is great because the mom is in her rocking chair knitting and the child is on the floor at her feet all rolled up in yarn from the bottom of whatever she is knitting!  Let's just say the mom's expression has no smile while the child's is huge!)

I love you when you're angry and cross your arms and pout.

I love you when you're wild and yell and scream and shout.

(In the former the mom is putting toothpaste on the child's toothbrush while the child is crossing his arms and pouting.  In the latter the child is walking past the mom and a cat shouting while the mom covers her ears and the cat's hair is standing on end!)

Over the years, I have pulled it out and read it after breakfast to my two blessings.  Sometimes for weeks at a time!  Why did I read it to them?  It was as much, if not more so, to remind me to love them unconditionally, as it was to remind them that I love them, no matter what they do.

So then, where does that leave me?  I am, after all, only human.  Right?  The picture book is nice, but I do not always feel very loving to my children when they are yelling, "I hate you!" or "You're being mean!"  (Or when I have a headache and my son is screaming and shouting around the house...just for fun!)  No matter how hard I try, I fall down and end up yelling back (unfortunately).  But I don't want to do that anymore.  I want to love like Jesus loved.  I want to learn from Him.  

That's where 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 comes in.  As I mentioned earlier, I've been reading it lately and asking God to help me love like that.  I want my children to see a loving God through me.  Not One who is waiting for them to make mistakes.  Or always pointing out their mistakes.  Or saying, "I love you, but you've got a long way to go in this part of your life over here."  

Our Father in heaven KNOWS we have a long way to go, BUT He doesn't go around reminding us of it.  And when we are reminded, He wants to deal with us gently and lovingly.  Agape love.  He knows that when our hearts are turned to His, we won't need Him to say, "I told you so," because He knows we'll be hard enough on ourselves!  At least it seems to be that way with me.  I need to remember this as I parent my own children.  Lecture less, love more.  Or put another way, less is more (especially with my words sometimes!).

So, I'd like to share the Amplified translation of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

   ⁴  Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

    ⁵  It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

    ⁶  It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

    ⁷  Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

So far, these two thoughts have swirled around in my mind as I try to remember how to love when a situation gets "sticky."

Love does NOT take offense easily.

Love makes allowances.

Three passages support these statements (I'm sure there are more, these are simply the ones I have thought of now),  1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Ephesians 4:1-2, and James 1:19-20.  The first is above, and rather obvious, and the second two are ones I have been memorizing and meditating on with the Siesta Scripture Memory Team with Beth Moore and Living Proof Ministries.

I also thought of Proverbs 19:11 which says, "A man's wisdom gives him patience, it is to his glory to overlook an offense."  I referenced this verse in a previous post on wisdom. The more I think about love, though, the more I realize that this verse is also speaking to how we LOVE those around us.  Even when they offend us.

As I sat in the pew singing during the worship service on Sunday, the line of a well known Christmas Hymn struck me in it's simple, yet powerful message:

"Fit us for heaven to live with thee there."

Yes, it's from Away in the Manger.  And it's a good ending to this post on love.  

Lord, help us to love our husbands and children with no "buts," that You might, indeed, "fit us for heaven to live with thee there."